You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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