No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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