Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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