Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Michael Bay diarrhea
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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