I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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