Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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