my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
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