So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Randomize
