i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
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