Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
