this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
It was like giving head to a cactus.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
