I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
