I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Randomize
