idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
