I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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