Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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