walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
