I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
