My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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