Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
