There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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