Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
