i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.Â
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
