And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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