Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
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You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
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Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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