Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
