a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
