Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
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On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
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It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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