I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
