My sheets look like a crime scene.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
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I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
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Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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