the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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