Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
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I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
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I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.