I can text with my tongue
there was a trapeze. enough said
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
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Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
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Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.