either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.