he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
23 Parents Gave Awful Advice about “The Birds and the Bees”
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.