what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
When did we convert life to cartoon?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
It's shark week go big or go home