She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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