worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
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