What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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