probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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