I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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