is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
