Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
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Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
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Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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