We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
