I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
