We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
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his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
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I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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