Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
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That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
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As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
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