ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
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