I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
