I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
