He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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