like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
