Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
The best revenge is premature balding
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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