At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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