i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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