Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
