My liver just broke up with me...
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
