do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
