We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
