Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize