I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
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