My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
